Thoughts Off Stage

Life, at times, can be full of surprises. Things occur, although sometimes the main stage is empty and life, it seems, happens only in the periphery. That is how it has been for me lately. Life is happening all around me yet not of me. More to the point, events are unfolding and they have an impact on me, but are not about me. I am not even clear how or why these peripheral events impact me. I suppose we all attempt to make everything about ourselves. What does this mean to me? How do I handle this situation? The reality is that everything is about us all. All events impact and direct us in ways we are not always aware of.

Death has been and always is, lurking, in the shadows, just off stage. It waits for no one and does not care what you may be involved in or have planned. You can get caught in its snare with apparent ease and struggling and begging and wishful thinking will bring you no relief. It can stomp out your breath all at once, or, it may drain it from you slowly. Either way you better have lived the life you wanted, done the things you need to do and done them without hesitation, without fear, without believing you will have the time tomorrow. Death is indiscriminate and as I said, waits for no one. But more to the point, it will not wait for you to finish; it will take you mid play. So it’s best to make sure that you are playing and playing full out.

I think I was on a train. A great big powerful train, racing along a winding set of tracks though possibility and it took my breath away. At some point the distance, the future the uncertainty, distracted me. I am not sure of the moment, I’m not sure it matters, but at some point the train jumped the tracks. When it did it caused a huge cataclysmic wreck that sent my train cars in all directions. Now, in the aftermath, I know without seeing, that they are all piled on top of each other, wheels high, broken, crushed and coming to rest, slowly, under a cloud of black acrid smoke. The fires have subsided, the scream of twisting metal is fading and silence is now invading the scene as the camera pans upward. I am somewhere in the wreckage. I am dazed and confused and have, for some reason, no idea what happened or why. I cannot see up or down and I have no idea if I need to crawl out or stay where I am. It appears that I neglected to jump off.

When the alarm clock goes off, a little louder these days, I hear the click and whir before the music fills the air. I roll and lean and hit the button that will silence the process for another 9 minutes. Death has remained off stage and the clutter is all still around me. I cuddle myself under the Egyptian cotton, slowly drifting off, eyes and arms wide. I wake again; I have become aware of my vacant stare and limp body. I believe that I have nothing to get up for. Regardless, eventually, I step back into the sidelines and dabble. I mutter and smile and poke around in this place. I skirt the sunlit openings that appear, at random, in my world, as I am unsure of their origins, their intent. I move things around and I pontificate. I live some of my best moments, upstairs, with the others that pontificate. We cheat through our laughter and shudder in secret as we slip out. We are sad and lonely and stuck in the muck that we created with such ease. If I spin my wheels again the spray will certainly end up on the windows I just cleaned. I turn the car off.

Once again I spread it all out in front of me. I will assess and evaluate and make some careful choices. I will share it around with some of the others. I will listen, defend and, of course, pontificate. The good parts will be taken from me and used, in ways I had considered but not acted upon. It won’t really matter, I’m on an escalator and even if the power goes out I can still get to the top. Or so I believe. As I turn my head to look over my shoulder I am shocked to see the other way. A large group of others moves along singing and holding hands. I catch the eye of one, as his tear falls, and all I am and all I was fills me in that moment, a heartbeat too late. My hand slips, or I simply let go, and in slow motion I fall into the blinding darkness. I dissolve, radiate and disperse. Now I am all and everything and now, I understand.