Help I have done it again

I watched the final 9 minutes of the final episode of Six Feet Under on Youtube. I looked it up as I wanted to hear that haunting song again. Breathe Me by Sia. What an incredible show with an incredible ending. It slides into me and draws out so many feelings; loss, anxiety, hope and fear. It makes me still, and, really I find myself sad about life more so than happy. Perhaps it is my age.

“Help I have done it again, I have been here many times before". How I relate to that so clearly. How many times must I do this to myself? Lose track, repeat the same pattern, and make the same mistake. How many times before I will get it and choose a different path. Maybe there is no other path to choose.

“Ouch, I have lost myself again”, yes I do that as well. The upside here is that to know this one must discover oneself again. It is time to get caught up in the grandeur of that discovery instead of getting bogged down in the loss. The loss is, after all, in the past.

Then there is the xylophone, or at least what I believe to be a xylophone. On so many levels those notes speak to me. It plays in my bones and I hear it say “get to it Roy, time is running away from you. Now is the all that is and it’s fleeting.

The images that pass along the way as well, as Sia sings that soulful tune. Their lives play out and I have that sense of passing. Have I done the things I wanted? Will I have a chance tomorrow to say hello or goodbye? Will I have the love I long for?

I stop hearing the words of that song; I get lost in all the other experiences of it. I ride up and down and in the end I am just with the notes. The ending. The fading to white as the crescendo dies and I am left alone, longing. I wonder if I will ever have another face to touch. I wonder if I will ever look into his eyes and know the meaning of everything and nothing.