The Last 15

I was wondering what would I write about if I only had this one opportunity. If, once this is written, I may never write again. What would I put to paper for an eternity. The answer may surprise you all. The answer is, I have no fucking idea! I mean really who the hell would? Of course, you could write some mumbo jumbo life is wonderful crapolla and I have no doubt that lots of other people could come up with some amazing insights to share; I, however have none.

I really just want to get up and walk the dog around the block. Actually that is a lie. What I really want to do is go to Metro and get one of the best damn brownies around. They make them without nuts and drown it in icing. Along with that brownie I want a tub of Ben and Jerry’s brownie ice cream. I love that stuff and the two together, well, that’s worth the heart attack. Pretty much every night I love to indulge into my desire for junk food. I think most of my life has become sex and junk food. What else is there?

Okay, so lets consider that. What else is there to do other than cruise for sex and eat brownies and ice cream? I have 5 people that call me Uncle. Well, I have 9 actually. I am blood Uncle to 5 of them. Oh, I just thought of two more that refer to me as Uncle, so that makes 11. I wonder what they would think if they read this, my final piece of writing and all they got out of it was an amazing recipe for chocolate brownie ice cream goodness. What would they think? I do not know.

I also have two people that call me brother and I would like to think that that number is actually three (maybe 4). I have one living parent and a stepparent that is also alive. I have someone I call Uncle and a person I call Aunt. I should also include the group of people that refer to me as cousin. Off the top of my head that number is 5. I have a dog and roommate, which seems odd to mention in the same sentence. The roommate helped me bring the dog into our lives so perhaps it does make sense. I also have a bunch of friends and co-workers and assorted acquaintances. So what?

So, I am not really sure. I do know that in one way or another all those people have a label for me. I suppose I am thinking that that alone should give me some great insight and inspiration to write something that has depth and meaning, that these relationships would give me the strength and courage to move beyond the chocolate. In the end, I am afraid, that it does not because I find myself sitting here thinking that once I have this is out of the way, once I have hit on that great one liner, I will head off to the store. I will finally be able to get what I truly want, my reward for doing my 15 plus minutes and completing this challenge.

I also wonder why all these people I know, well more so the ones that refer to me as brother, Uncle or cousin work independently of me. Actually, in the interest of truth I think it is just the ones that refer to me as brother. Why are they separate? Why do they not see the place I am in and get in here and help me out of it? How come I am always facing the ticking hollow minutes alone? Why is this room so damn cold? I wonder if they are over there thinking the same thing of the person that refers to them as sister. I cannot save the fucking Universe and I cannot save them either. I am the youngest after all and I should not have too.

I said today that it is so easy to see the other person’s exit. You know what I mean? When you are listening to someone’s problems and you are thinking, Jesus Christ just walk out that fucking door. It is right there in front of your face, just turn the knob and push! But, when it comes to your own problems a raging fire has blocked the door and the fear you feel approaching it ties your stomach into knots and is enough to make you drop where you stand. Your panic stricken body shakes and there is sweat running down your face. You want out so damn bad but there is no way in hell you can reach for your salvation.

In that moment you realize that your exit is clear to the poor soul you are dumping on right now. They can see it right there, so plainly, it drives them nuts that you wont take the opportunity that is right before you. They want to shake you and kick your whining crybaby ass; they want to drag your stupid fucked up self to the top of some building and toss you over. But, they don’t. And they don’t because they know that that would be a crime and they would spend a lot of time in jail, despite the rather justifiable explanation.

When I said that today, about the clear exit, I felt compassion for one of the people that refers to me as brother. I understood the fear that has them trapped inside the life they have chosen. When I look really closely around the life I am trapped in I see them in the shadows. I actually see lots of others in here with me. Oh so many of us stumbling around looking for the exit. I can also see, very clearly, all the exits in front of them, but I cannot, however, see my own.